I need to tell you some things. I am weak. I am a liar, and a coward. I am consumed by guilt, and sorrow. I have kept a lot of things from you, for fear of hurting you. I thought I owed it to you to break up with you in person, that you at least deserved to see my pain, and to hear the truth from me, face to face. But I am too weak to stick to my decision in the face of your pain. I am too much of a coward to tell you the truth about how I really feel, and about what I have done. It would just hurt you too badly.. I told you the truth when I said I had never cheated on you. But I have done things that are just as bad..
I am truly sorry for allowing you to grow so attached to me. I never wanted to hurt you. You do not deserve this pain. Nor do you deserve the excruciating pain you would feel if I told you everything I have kept from you. There are things I will never tell you, for to do so would only be cruel, and mean, and hurtful. You are better off not knowing. You could guess at some of it, but it wouldn’t be everything..
You were right when you said I was using my father as an excuse to break up with you. I don’t mean that I was lying about how I felt.. I wasn’t. I truly did feel that I needed to be within easy distance of him, and my siblings, and I still do. I do not belong in the South. I do not belong with a Christian. I do not belong with you. I feel like a stranger when I am in Columbus, like I have no possible way of interacting fully and truthfully with the people I see. I have very little respect for almost anyone I have met while there with you..
We haven’t grown together in our relationship. It has only slowly gotten worse, with minor upticks, followed by more gradual descent. Even when we had months together, things only got worse with time. It’s probably mostly my fault, since I was too scared to let you know what I was really thinking. I know you were joking, but I think you were right about the distance being the reason we stayed together for this long..
I don’t want to lie to you anymore. I don’t want to hide the truth from you. I owe it to you to stop the damage before it continues to get worse. And I owe it to myself to be honest, and stop lying to myself about things I am unable to change. I have given in to my temptations too many times, regardless of my efforts to stop. Everything I have tried to do to change myself has been for you. You did not ask me to change, but I know that you could never accept me for how I truly am. I have shown you only the good in me, with only the smallest of glimpses at the bad. There is so much you don’t know about me, and would never want to know.. My past and present hold a lot of things that you would find ugly, and contemptuous..
Please, don’t think that I have forgotten how much you love me, because I haven’t. Your love is wonderful, and pure. But it is not true Love, because you never saw the truth behind my facade. And our love for each other is not enough. I do not think that we are compatible. I haven’t thought so for awhile.. I tricked myself into ignoring it, and it is wrong for me to continue to do so. It was wrong to do it in the first place, but my optimism and hope blinded me. I wanted so badly for us to work out, for me to be the perfect man for you, so you could truly get everything you want, and need, and deserve.. But I can’t lie to you, or myself, anymore.
It is over, Logan. I hope you can accept my decision, and feel as little pain as possible.. In time, you will find someone who truly deserves you, and whom you truly deserve in turn. You will be happy again, and more happy than you ever were with me. I think you know that we were never as good together as we should have been.. You will find the right man, and he will love you more than anyone ever could. And it will be true.